When you are in charge of 30 new people each week, you meet a massive, extensive range of humans. You meet great ones, you meet annoying ones, you meet kind ones, and you most definitely meet some dumb ones. It’s not necessarily their fault, they’re just sometimes a little…. slow… and as the tour guide, you are the one who must answer all of the crazy questions people come up with with a smile on your face.
There are loads of questions you get used to as a tour guide: what are we doing today, where are you from, what do you do in the off season, how long have you worked here, what’s the history of this place, that place, what time are we doing this and that, blah blah blah…. but every now and again a very special type of human comes to you with an inquiry about something that sticks in your mind and makes you hold in your laughter to be polite, but immediately message the other tour guides to laugh about it together straight away. This is the type of human this post is about. And I have included here the sarcastic remarks that I always wished I could reply to my passengers, but never could. It’s finally my time to be the sarcastic bitch that I often wished I could!
To clarify, I personally am a tour guide on 7 day boat tours of the islands in Croatia for 18-39 year olds, and I have asked my fellow Croatia sailing work mates to send me the dumbest questions they have heard throughout their careers as well. And yes, the clientele is primarily Australian. Take with that what you will 😛
Passenger: Do we have to swim to shore each day?
- Yes, you do. Although we are on a big massive hotel-like boat, we require you to swim to shore if you want to see the island or go out at night. If you want to bring your phone make sure you hold it above the water. Maybe bring a dry bag of clothes to change into so you aren’t sopping wet and salty at dinner.
P: Can we go to the bathroom off the boat?
- You mean… can you… Oh jesus. Piss off the boat? The captain spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on this boat so he can have his crew wash your piss off the sides on the boat, yes. Yeah, you have private bathrooms for absolutely no reason. The sea is the toilet!
P: Oh, they quarry stone on that island? How long does it take to grow back?
- Oh… honey. I can’t even reply sarcastically to this one because I would feel too bad. Stone, it doesn’t grow back, dear. It’s… stone.
P: Can I FaceTime my cat quickly?
- Yes. We will all wait here in silence while you FaceTime your cat.
P: How far is a 10 minute walk exactly?
- … Oh my god. Shut up and follow me.
P: (Points to random fish swimming by) What kind of fish is that?
- Oh, those are the finger fish. That’s what they make fish fingers out of. Try to catch it. (Credit to my boss Fi for this one)
P: Can I brush my teeth in your basin? Your teeth are whiter than mine, pretty sure it’s to do with your basin.
P: Why is the boat rocking?
- There’s an earthquake.
P: Why is it so hot?!
- You literally paid to come to Croatia in the middle of July. Get over it.
P: Can we buy drugs from you?
- Yeah, this whole tour guiding thing is actually a massive cover up for my drug dealing scheme. Make sure you don’t tell my company.
P: How do you spell spa?
- This is quite literally the definition of ‘sound it out.’ I’ll let you figure that out on your own.
P: Does anyone ever fuck on the decks?
- On the decks… of the boat? Ummm, what? Like, in front of other people? Or just… well no. No you don’t fuck on the decks. Actually yes we have massive orgies each night. Here on the deck.
P: What’s in a tuna steak?
P: Which island is Split on?
- I’m glad you looked up your itinerary before coming on this trip! Not everywhere we go is an island. Split is a big city. On the mainland.
P: Are there trees in the pine forest we walk through?
P: How many kids do you have back home?
- 12. Because it’s logical for me work away for the summer leading you drunkards around Croatia for 3 months and also have children at home. No, actually I have 30 children, which are you guys. You require just as much looking after.
P: How salty is the water compared to yesterday?
- About 2% saltier, on average. From my daily salt water tests.
P: Why isn’t the sun out? /// Why is it raining?!
- I actually called the sun up and told it not to come out today just because I want you to have as little fun as possible.
P: So do the Amish people live in Omiš? (a town in Croatia pronounced oh-meesh)
- Yeah, the Amish people actually started their settlement here in Omiš. They’re named after this town. Make sure you visit the Amish museum and you can probably visit some homes where they live off the land. Because Amish people are totally Croatian.
P: Does the sun set in the west or east here?
- Just because you came from the southern hemisphere doesn’t mean the entire world is flipped around. Jesus.
P: (Points to random island) What island is that? (disclaimer: there are over 1000 islands in Croatia)
- Oh, that’s Kimmie island. They actually named it after me when I discovered it last summer.
P: Do people actually live here?
- Nope. They’re all actors hired to come here for the experience. It’s kinda like Disneyland. Cool huh?