When my friends and I learned that there was a Penis Museum in Iceland (or if you are proper, unlike us, the Icelandic phallogical museum) right before our upcoming trip, we half smiled and giggled at each other and joked that we should go. We should check it out, we said. It will be hilarious, we said.
Or, we thought.
Our group of 5 girls arrived at our hostel in Reykjavik, Iceland at 6 in the morning, and awaited the late winter sunrise over free maps of the country’s capital and a quite expensive Icelandic breakfast. We plotted out some points of interest: a big hilltop church, some other Iceland museums, the main shopping street, the city’s new contemporarily constructed glass exhibition hall.
“But wait,” one of us exclaimed, recalling the article on Iceland we had shared with each other a few weeks prior. “Isn’t this where that…. Penis Museum is?
We glanced at each other quite mischievously, unable to hide our completely childish smiles. How old are we again?
“Should we… do it?”
It’s only a block and a half away, we have all day, and like, when else in our lives will we be able to visit such a… unique… location, as a phallogical museum in Iceland?! It’s apparently the only one of it’s kind in the world, and it’s sure to be an experience.
We began to convince ourselves into it. It’s a point of interest in the city we are visiting… it’s basically a cultural experience, right? (ha, penises as a cultural experience. Sure.) We could giggle at all the phallic souvenirs as we cruised around, maybe send a questionable snapchat or two of us being complete children in a literal museum of penises. We were sure it would be hilarious, pretty informative, and all in all just, well… funny. I guess.
So we decided, what’s the harm in it? Lol, whatever, let’s just do it.
The Penis Museum in Iceland: Our Arrival
So we arrived at the penis museum and paid the $13 entrance fee to the interesting breed of humans who work at a penis museum. Sorry, “the Phallogical Museum.” (Should I use a more proper term from now on?!) I digress.
We entered the paid vicinity to encounter an immediate exhibition on whale phalluses.
There were different sizes of cylindrical glasses from about the size of my forearm to much larger, containing descriptions next to the preserved phallus remains of a diverse range of whale species.
The preserved phallus remains. Of a diverse range. Of whale species.
Like, I don’t know if you guys can picture what this looks like, but its literal shriveled up whale dick in a jar. Like, crumbly, wrinkly, separating, disgusting, old, washed-out, whale dick. A lot are shaped funny and disturbingly pointy, and a lot are winding multiple times around the inside of the jar. Similar to what your face might currently look like while reading this, here is what our faces looked like.
The first glimpse of the penis museum in Iceland
Trying to be normal and learn things
The Penis Museum in Iceland: Attempting to Learn
We didn’t know what to think. We tried to get into it and maybe learn a few things… like, oh yes, the sperm whale phallus. Interesting. Let me read the blurb about this. We paid money to get into this damn thing so we may as well become the pupils of the penis for a little bit. My friend Zoe got the tour book to read all about the different exhibitions, and although immediately slightly
extremely off-put, we made our way through some exhibits while holding our gag reflexes and attempting to merely inform ourselves on the disturbing fascinating variations of the male reproductive organ and how they worked.
We made our way through whales, walruses, and seals, learning about aquatic animal phallus before moving on to that of the land animal.
‘Yes, yes, very interesting,’ we told ourselves while stroking our nonexistent chin hairs as we observed a dried up elephant phallus mounted to the wall.
Jillian next to a sperm whale phallus. This is not a joke.
A walrus, I believe.
Extremely unsure of pretty much everything in life
As a break from the unsettling test-tube penises, we went into a funny little photo/trinket exhibit. We learned about the largest human phallus in history, and even saw a photo of it! What a treat. We went into one exhibit and saw penis mugs, wind-up penises, motion-censored pop-up penises, a framed penis collage, even a penis-themed jewelry holder! We saw some aerial photos of accidental penis-shaped buildings, penis cartoons, penis artwork, wood-carved penises, bottle opener penises, penis candles, penis-shaped smoking devices, penis stuffed animals, cute stuffed animals with penises, and much much more. More than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams. I mean this in the most unsettling way possible…. I really hope you can sense my sarcasm through the computer.
Upon walking past that figure, he had a little penis pop out of his overcoat. May I also mention the monstrosity stuffed penis taking away all the innocence of the cute little bunny…
Ah, yes. Modern art. Wouldn’t this look great on my wall?
Nothing says ‘thinking of you’ like a penis mug.
It looks like an innocent candle holder, until…
Can anyone confirm this is a real thing? Actually kinda fascinating.
We went back out to encounter some very long dried up bull phalluses next to a zebra phallus. This one was almost the last straw. It was shriveled up and knotted, with long hair still attached to it floating in its test tube water. We stared at it in utter confusion and bewilderment, wondering whether we should still be interested in the slightest or if we should run into the bathroom and vomit. I apologize in advance for the photo…
Oh, and the light covers are scrotums. (Scroti? ha)
Zebra Phallus. I’m truly sorry for this. But you can probably put yourself in our shoes now, right?!
We were getting a little bit light headed – was it the jet lag or was it the fact that we were surrounded by hundreds of wrinkly penises in jars? Tough to say.
The Penis Museum in Iceland: The Last Straws
By this point we all looked as if our dog had just died, legs subconsciously clenched tightly together, our glances darting around the room attempting to figure out if everyone else was reacting similarly to this flamboyant display of dicks.
I think we all automatically started moving towards the exit at this point, but we naturally had to be awfully accosted by one last exhibit before flying out the door…. the human phallus. Again, I’m not kidding. I wish I was.
We looked from the test tube to the label and back again. Human?! Literally human? I’m going to be kind and spare you on the imagery for this one, but just know that it was almost the most pickled and haunting one of them all. We could only keep our eyes on it for a few seconds before basically entering another dimension or disgust and looking around wondering what to even do with ourselves.
At the sight of the human one our friend Calla pretty much lost it. She told us she needed to go the the bathroom and we all heard a gag-cough coming from the toilet area. We nervously giggled at the situation but knew that we were pretty much on the brink of the same thing! She emerged a second later, white faced, and announced the words we had all been waiting to hear…
Without a word we all followed her out the exit, and after a brief moment in the gift shop looking at the penis museum branded t-shirts and postcards, we regrouped in silence outside in the cold.
Not sure what to make of the experience, we decided that the only way to recover from that which we cannot unsee was to get our mind off it and explore the city, trying not to be too permanently damaged from the situation.
Oh, and it was also on this day that we all turned lesbian.
Would you visit the penis museum, or are we all just inappropriate teenagers at heart? Are we childish in the way we handled a situation that could have been informative, or would you have reacted the same way? Let me know what you think 😛
Book your hostel in Iceland here – we stayed at Kex and loved it!
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